stagnant

Forewarning....this post will be random and scattered. Don't mind me.

I haven't blogged in a long time. My actual journal has probably collected some dust by now, which makes me sad. That is unusual. I'm not sure why I took a break from all that. I guess part of me needed to. Sometimes I need to detach from things. I have learned for myself, it is a healthy thing for me but I tend to detach for an extensive amount of time and by the time I realize it, I'm drowning and in need of some regularity. I guess I'd say that's where I'm at now--drowning.

Drowning because....because I've chosen to. Because sometimes it's easier than looking in the mirror. I struggle with knowing what I want, or better yet, being confident in what I want. The further I separate myself from my truths, the more entangled I become with things apart from those truths. I find myself caught up in thinking lately. Questioning things I wouldn't normally question. I question what I already know to be true. Sometimes the questions that float around in my head are beneficial and sometimes they are not.

Maybe I'm feeling odd because I am at odds. I feel at odds with myself in a lot of ways. I keep my head in the clouds too much, I keep my thoughts in the past way too much. I have difficulty moving forward. One of my favorite things to do in the winter is to get out of bed, go make a cup of tea and then go back to my bed and lay in the exact same spot I woke up in and find it warm still. That's exactly how my brain works when I think about my past. (bridging this thought may seem scattered) I like today, I like now but if only I could go back to the warm past, if only for a few minutes, because I know I couldn't stay long, even if I wanted to, I'd do it. Moving forward is easy to understand. Moving forward is the hardest thing to do sometimes.

I guess I haven't found the ability to look back, savour and enjoy what I've had in my life. I look back and take it in as a loss--something I'll never have back. I like the idea of moving into a mindset of enjoying memories but allowing the preset to be just as enjoyable.

I can easily entertain the thought of all the positive things I want for myself, that I need for myself. Unfortunately, it is human nature that keeps me from easily changing my ways...