Wednesday, June 8, 2011

i dont have a good title

I am coming to realize that I am a people pleaser. I would have never admitted or considered that before because of my understanding of a "people pleaser" , but I think there are different kinds of people pleasers. I don't want to ever let people down. I want to give 110% of myself to others even if that means putting all of myself on "hold". I want to always do the right thing in relationships with others, never see mistakes that could point back to me. I have difficulty making decisions without overly obsessing about how they can affect others. I want to wait for the rainbow at the end of a storm with someone. 

I know this it is who God created me to be, someone who cares, someone with a heart, but I am seeing that it is dangerous and ultimately damaging if I do not understand the balance in taking care of myself and stewarding my gifts.

My walk with God the last two years has been faithful and adventurous, to say the least. I am blessed beyond words for the places He has held my hand through. Walking in obedience to things that I didn't necessarily want for myself has been such a reward.

I am at a crossroad right now. I don't know what the roads even look like. It feels like I'm standing in the middle of dense fog and no clear direction about anything in my life. I don't know where I want to live, let alone do with my life. I've been praying and waiting for God to tell me for months and months. I tell Him, "I'll go anywhere, I'll do anything!" And when I don't hear a reply I think, "What have I done wrong? What do I need to do to get an answer?" After months of silence, I hear Him saying, "Lindsay, what is it that YOU want?"

I didn't realize till just a week or so ago how blessed it is to live life and have God specifically say, "THIS is where I want you to move. THIS is what I want you to do. THIS is where I want you to live. THIS is how I want you to make a living. THIS is the church I want you to go to." I guess that's not normal---hah. It's all I've known the past 2-3 years. 

God has been holding my hand, ultimately, I think to let go and say, "You know how to walk, you've followed me, I trust you that the desires of your heart will align with mine in your freedom to choose." Actually, that's EXACTLY what I hear Him telling me.

So what do I choose? I still am not sure. I have made a decision and I don't feel 100% secure in what that means for the next couple of years. I hate not knowing, but God knows. I'm scared to displease God, or not do EXACTLY what He wants me to do. I'm scared that my choices could negatively affect people around me. I'm scared that this turning point could cause me to miss out on something great.

I need to trust God. I need to have assurance that He hasn't made anything crystal clear like in the past and it's not cause I've been disobedient or a bad friend. He loves me. He desires I walk in freedom. I need to believe He has it all under control. He won't let me fall. My Father loves me beyond my understanding.

I see the last few years of my life being a heavy refining process. Maybe I am walking into a new time of God taking all He's done in me and giving me the opportunity to adapt my own flair to this new person. What would it look like for me to FULLY be aware and use all of what God is doing and has done in me and also remain 100% unique, Lindsay? 

God really cares about what I want. He wants me to live a life that pleases Him but amidst that, one that also brings me happiness and joy. Time will tell.