Worth the Wait

I have traded riches for rags. I have placed “good”, and “noble” desires and wishes before by creator and have now come to ground zero. I have been left with only one choice.

I hate waiting. I don’t know who likes waiting. God is teaching me what it looks like and quite honestly, more than half the time I don’t enjoy it. I’m not sure what keeps me going except God, really.

In waiting, I am going through this process of growth and pain that is so outside my control. It’s like God just grabbed a hold of me, leaving me no choice but to be uprooted and await the harvest. The only choice I have in the matter is how many extra days I’d like to add to the journey in my unwillingness to cooperate. It's been 5 months too many...I wonder when my spring will come.

I have felt joy amidst the struggle. I have felt real emotion and cried real tears through the slow and painful destruction of my ideology.

To be honest, it’s not fun but necessary.

God has exposed much of what I cling to as being worthless and it’s uncomfortable to realize that my grip to the things of the world were fastened more strongly than to the God of the universe.  

For every rough edge that is being chipped away, every uncertain thought, for every tear, every heartache, there is purpose. The rationale for it all is to bring change for the better, something more enduring.

I like to let my mind vomit into mixed up sentences. Rereading my words has encouraged me to continue to wait with much anticipation of a fruitful harvest.

Compelling Love

I am realizing how undeserving I am of the love of God. It's one of those concepts that I will NEVER grasp and even talking about it sets me up for an unending quest for complete understanding. 

God gave His son, perfect, blameless, most holy, for ME. I want to know this love more. I want to drown in it, completely.
 
God wants me to feel, taste, smell and touch his love. I have been asking myself the last few days how I can have more of this and the only answer I see fit is to love others.

What a simple concept....love others. 

Last year I heard the story of the "Good Samaritan" so different than ever before. After I heard the teaching I began reading commentaries on it & researching things online till I came to understand in the way I believe it was intended to be understood...

When Jesus told the parable of the good Samaritan he was answering my question. (Luke 10:25-37)

Sunday school did a fabulous job of watering down a tough picture Jesus painted. A story meant to make our core tremble, I believe.

A man asked Jesus how to inherit eternal life. Jesus responded by asking what the law said. The law said, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind; and, Love your neighbor as yourself."

The man preceded to ask, "Who is my neighbor?"

 Jesus tells a story of a man who is almost dead (key words) who is on the road to Jerusalem from Jericho. 

Research what this road looked like. The road was maybe 16-18" wide and dropped off a 300 ft. cliff. Jesus says 3 different men walked by.

Man #1: A priest
Jesus said the priest walked on the other side of the road. There was no "other side of the road"! He's trying to make the point that this priest did EVERYTHING he could not to touch this man.

Why?? Because the Torah told him to! 
Leviticus says a person could not touch a dead body or a nearly dead body no matter who they were. How funny that as Christians, we blast this guy...but he knew the text! Jesus' words are intentional when he says the man was "nearly dead".

This man obeyed God although he made the commandment of not touching a dead body greater than loving your neighbor. 

Man #2: A Levite
Next came a Levite who did the same thing. A Levite read the same book as the priest, the Torah and he obeyed God too. 

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The next person the people probably expected Jesus to say was a Pharisee...the Pharisees were people who said, "all people except Samaritans are in God's image." 

The Pharisee knew that loving your neighbor was the ultimate command. The audience was probably expecting Jesus to bring his point home by saying, "the Pharisee is your neighbor, so love him too."

Jesus totally throws them for a loop because the 3rd person is not a Pharisee, he is a Samaritan. Jews HATED Samaritans.

A Samaritan read the same Torah a Jew read. The Torah told him not to touch the dead body too. 

The Samaritan is on his knees, touching this dying man's bloody wounds, putting him on his donkey...what this Samaritan did was so filthy & so wrong according to the Torah but he knew that loving his neighbor was a greater command.

What is Jesus' main point? I've been taught to assume the neighbor is the beaten up guy, the easy one to love. 

The parable is not about doing good things for people, it's about loving the person you hate the most. The Samaritan is my neighbor. 

If I can't go to the person I despise most and learn to love them then I can't even be a disciple of Jesus because he ends the parable by saying, "unless your righteousness is even greater than the Pharisee's you can't even enter my kingdom". Yes, the Pharisee who would have helped the dying man!

If I am going to be a disciple of Jesus I ought to respond in obedience to his commands. Not because it saves me but because I am saved. 

This is how God is telling me to feel, taste, smell and touch his love. 

All because the text says, "love your neighbor."

Remember why you're breathing

I am a sinner. I am bruised. I have battle wounds. Consequently, I feel the weight of my sin. Time and time again I tell myself, "I'll never do THAT again". Only to return, like a "dog returns to it's vomit", days, sometimes moments later.

Oh, this trap I find myself in all too often. I get so lost in my pursuit of "obedience" so when I fall, I cover up my wounds and bruises it up with silly excuses... "Well, if only God would have ______ then I wouldn't have ______ ." Selfish, selfish me. 


I think God just wants me. Bruises, wounds, disobedience and all. It doesn't really matter if I'm healthy or disgustingly ill, He wants me anyways. He wants me because he loves me by no merit of my own.

I'm learning it's okay to be real with God. It's okay to tell Him I'm completely pissed off about the way things are. I'm learning it's okay to be ecstatic about life but still feel inadequate in tiny crevices that I shrug off and say "don't really matter", and STILL tell God exactly where I'm at. Exactly how I feel. Unsensored. Raw. Messy. Real.

For clarity sake, I do not think my response stops with venting to God. The uncensored, raw, messy, real relationship moves forward in humble acknowledgment of my shortcomings and walking into a life that looks more like Jesus everyday, in faith and obedience.

What does a no-barrier-relationship look like for you? With God, with anyone.

Say something

Be Happy, No Worries!

I went to a wonderful place tonight.

There was funky French pop streaming through the airwaves and the enthralling smell of coffee.

I went a little crazy in this place called, "Tully's Coffee" in Irvine. I asked the barista what her favorite drink was and proceeded to pay for a warm treat that was not the regular cup of coffee I generally gravitate towards.

.

She excitedly made a "dirty chai" for me.

A soy chai latte with espresso. I don't think any further explanation is necessary. It was fantastical!

I have this friend named Taline. We were planning on a movie tonight but it didn't end up working out. The night consisted of Barnes & Nobles roaming and a dirty chai with a side of conversation.

As nice as it is to get lost in a story for a few hours, I still think conversation is much better.

I've noticed lately that most of the time when I have wise words (what I think is wise) to share with others, I need to hear it more. My mind is like a movie reel right now, as all my good advice from the past week is taking over my thoughts. It feels healing.

I'm happy tonight because I know God is totally in love with me and my friend Taline. I am also happy because I get to share life and conversation with beautiful people. Life is not quite as difficult as I make it ;)

When is the last time you were purely happy for simple reasons even when your circumstances weren't?

Arriving >>

Wondering, hoping, dream, wishful thinking, whatever you'd like to call it. I have thoughts constantly roaming my mind.

What does my future hold? Will my desires unfold tomorrow?

That's normal...isn't it?

I don't think I stand alone. Sometimes those questions are not roaming, they are stomping around, being yelled loud. They overtake, and that's where I'm learning to draw the line. The voice I want to hear, I do not.

I'm on a journey of letting go and I'm not sure I'll ever arrive but the steps I take forward are always worth silencing my mind.

There is a beauty (if you choose to see it) in only seeing glimpses and there is excitement in knowing there exists something greater, beyond what we can see in the moment. I'm resting in that (or trying to rest).

God is faithful when we are not. I am UNFAITHFUL in times of confusion and doubt. I am choosing to see the beauty. Choosing to be excited.

Talk to me

Caught Red Handed--

Color brings life! Isn't it so neat that God created color? One of my favorite way to use color is on my nails. I know I've had a lazy week if I haven't re-polished at least twice (even if it is the same color).

I wear red most of the time because as much as I'd like to venture out, I don't go far past a similar shade of red from the previous. I'm not sure what that says about me, hmm...

Since this is a blog and people tend to like pictures more than words, I thought I'd share my two favorite things right now. First, above is the new, Sally Hansen Color Quick Nail Enamel in "red". I think it runs around $10. I've read some pretty nasty reviews about the product although, I have only had great luck with it. Definitely would buy again. Fits perfectly in your purse and won't crack ;)

This little baby above has been a staple for the past few months. I can't get myself away from it! Again, by Sally Hansen. This color is "Red Zin". Love this polish, love this color. End of story!

I feel bold wearing red on my nails. I feel like a woman, both strong and delicate. Sometimes the little moments like now, to pause and reflect on my nail polish, (ha) drive me.

What brings color to your world? How do the colors in your world inspire you?

Comment, be silent, email. Tell me! Inspire me with YOUR words.

Hello..again

It's been almost a year since I have updated my blog. Why have I returned? Simply because I love to write. Expressing my thoughts through words is healing for me. For the handful of folks that may click their way over to my blog, I hope to provoke thought in the simplest way by the words that flow from my keyboard.

Life is the craziest journey our minds can comprehend, it's all we know. It's a journey that nobody asked for but everyone will complete. My desires rest in doing life well. To be proud of my failures that fuel me to change and to rejoice when all the beauty that God has wired me to be becomes a natural outflow that brings glory to the only one that matters, my Lord.

My Lord, who have you created your children to be? Your children are created for virtue. Virtue that lies in your truth and purity. Your children are created for greatness, to be great for your namesake in a desperate sea of insufficiently. Your children are created to be a vessel for your miracles and wonders far beyond what the human mind is capable of understanding.

I have had a difficult time swallowing all that lately. Am I really made for greatness? Is this "virtuous" woman I desire to be far out of reach? Why is insufficiency all to familiar in my life? I think I know the answer and it's that on most days I'm not willing to fight in the battle I was chosen to take part in.

Where is my focus? Where does my identity lie on the days where God seems so out of reach? Am I seeking to be unconditionally attached to my Lord or do I seek to be satisfied away from Him?

Probably one of my most favorite quotes, because it is never dull to my ears...

"God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him." -John Piper