Remember why you're breathing

I am a sinner. I am bruised. I have battle wounds. Consequently, I feel the weight of my sin. Time and time again I tell myself, "I'll never do THAT again". Only to return, like a "dog returns to it's vomit", days, sometimes moments later.

Oh, this trap I find myself in all too often. I get so lost in my pursuit of "obedience" so when I fall, I cover up my wounds and bruises it up with silly excuses... "Well, if only God would have ______ then I wouldn't have ______ ." Selfish, selfish me. 


I think God just wants me. Bruises, wounds, disobedience and all. It doesn't really matter if I'm healthy or disgustingly ill, He wants me anyways. He wants me because he loves me by no merit of my own.

I'm learning it's okay to be real with God. It's okay to tell Him I'm completely pissed off about the way things are. I'm learning it's okay to be ecstatic about life but still feel inadequate in tiny crevices that I shrug off and say "don't really matter", and STILL tell God exactly where I'm at. Exactly how I feel. Unsensored. Raw. Messy. Real.

For clarity sake, I do not think my response stops with venting to God. The uncensored, raw, messy, real relationship moves forward in humble acknowledgment of my shortcomings and walking into a life that looks more like Jesus everyday, in faith and obedience.

What does a no-barrier-relationship look like for you? With God, with anyone.

Say something

Be Happy, No Worries!

I went to a wonderful place tonight.

There was funky French pop streaming through the airwaves and the enthralling smell of coffee.

I went a little crazy in this place called, "Tully's Coffee" in Irvine. I asked the barista what her favorite drink was and proceeded to pay for a warm treat that was not the regular cup of coffee I generally gravitate towards.

.

She excitedly made a "dirty chai" for me.

A soy chai latte with espresso. I don't think any further explanation is necessary. It was fantastical!

I have this friend named Taline. We were planning on a movie tonight but it didn't end up working out. The night consisted of Barnes & Nobles roaming and a dirty chai with a side of conversation.

As nice as it is to get lost in a story for a few hours, I still think conversation is much better.

I've noticed lately that most of the time when I have wise words (what I think is wise) to share with others, I need to hear it more. My mind is like a movie reel right now, as all my good advice from the past week is taking over my thoughts. It feels healing.

I'm happy tonight because I know God is totally in love with me and my friend Taline. I am also happy because I get to share life and conversation with beautiful people. Life is not quite as difficult as I make it ;)

When is the last time you were purely happy for simple reasons even when your circumstances weren't?

Arriving >>

Wondering, hoping, dream, wishful thinking, whatever you'd like to call it. I have thoughts constantly roaming my mind.

What does my future hold? Will my desires unfold tomorrow?

That's normal...isn't it?

I don't think I stand alone. Sometimes those questions are not roaming, they are stomping around, being yelled loud. They overtake, and that's where I'm learning to draw the line. The voice I want to hear, I do not.

I'm on a journey of letting go and I'm not sure I'll ever arrive but the steps I take forward are always worth silencing my mind.

There is a beauty (if you choose to see it) in only seeing glimpses and there is excitement in knowing there exists something greater, beyond what we can see in the moment. I'm resting in that (or trying to rest).

God is faithful when we are not. I am UNFAITHFUL in times of confusion and doubt. I am choosing to see the beauty. Choosing to be excited.

Talk to me

Caught Red Handed--

Color brings life! Isn't it so neat that God created color? One of my favorite way to use color is on my nails. I know I've had a lazy week if I haven't re-polished at least twice (even if it is the same color).

I wear red most of the time because as much as I'd like to venture out, I don't go far past a similar shade of red from the previous. I'm not sure what that says about me, hmm...

Since this is a blog and people tend to like pictures more than words, I thought I'd share my two favorite things right now. First, above is the new, Sally Hansen Color Quick Nail Enamel in "red". I think it runs around $10. I've read some pretty nasty reviews about the product although, I have only had great luck with it. Definitely would buy again. Fits perfectly in your purse and won't crack ;)

This little baby above has been a staple for the past few months. I can't get myself away from it! Again, by Sally Hansen. This color is "Red Zin". Love this polish, love this color. End of story!

I feel bold wearing red on my nails. I feel like a woman, both strong and delicate. Sometimes the little moments like now, to pause and reflect on my nail polish, (ha) drive me.

What brings color to your world? How do the colors in your world inspire you?

Comment, be silent, email. Tell me! Inspire me with YOUR words.

Hello..again

It's been almost a year since I have updated my blog. Why have I returned? Simply because I love to write. Expressing my thoughts through words is healing for me. For the handful of folks that may click their way over to my blog, I hope to provoke thought in the simplest way by the words that flow from my keyboard.

Life is the craziest journey our minds can comprehend, it's all we know. It's a journey that nobody asked for but everyone will complete. My desires rest in doing life well. To be proud of my failures that fuel me to change and to rejoice when all the beauty that God has wired me to be becomes a natural outflow that brings glory to the only one that matters, my Lord.

My Lord, who have you created your children to be? Your children are created for virtue. Virtue that lies in your truth and purity. Your children are created for greatness, to be great for your namesake in a desperate sea of insufficiently. Your children are created to be a vessel for your miracles and wonders far beyond what the human mind is capable of understanding.

I have had a difficult time swallowing all that lately. Am I really made for greatness? Is this "virtuous" woman I desire to be far out of reach? Why is insufficiency all to familiar in my life? I think I know the answer and it's that on most days I'm not willing to fight in the battle I was chosen to take part in.

Where is my focus? Where does my identity lie on the days where God seems so out of reach? Am I seeking to be unconditionally attached to my Lord or do I seek to be satisfied away from Him?

Probably one of my most favorite quotes, because it is never dull to my ears...

"God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him." -John Piper

Time for an update!!

So, God has been teaching me so much lately! Reading back through my journal I don't think I read an entry that didn't say, "GOD IS AWESOME!!" Because He totally is!
I am having to learn what it truly means to trust the Lord and along side all He is teaching me I've had the opportunity to apply much of what I'm learning at Joshua to these situations.

I feel as though the easiest way to share my heart and what the Lord is doing is to rewrite parts of my favorite journal entries from a little bit ago.

January 29

One of my favorite classes here is Old Testament. I had never taken the time to diligently read the OT because I've always had a hard time applying it. Lately I can't get myself to read anywhere else!
Exodus 14:13-14 "Moses answered the people, 'Do not be afraid. Stand firm & you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still."
Lord, don't let me become like the Israelites! I trust that you have great plans & I can trust you even though what you're asking of me isn't clear. I am scared to fail but I trust you know best.
God poured down manna for the Israelites and gave them exactly the right portion. He told them not to save any & when they did it spoiled and became maggot infested!
I am not to be greedy with what the Lord gives me. I must continually remind myself that "mine" is HIS!

I have learned that so much of what I desire to possess in the Lord will not come by my own efforts. God is in the business of changing hearts and the only way to seek true change is to humbly come before the Father and ask and ask and ask!

We serve such an incredible God and because I have experienced what it is to live authentically, I can't help but crave that for every person I know! Allow God to transform you! Submerge yourself in His word and APPLY IT! This life is not about you. It is not about what you can accomplish it is about glorifying the God of the universe! I heard an incredible quote the other day that sounded something like, "Through every single one of our actions we hold authority for who or what it is we are representing."

That is straight up! God has given us authority when we are in Him! How incredible is that!? But when we are not in Him we hold authority for whatever it is we are representing. I challenged you to write that on your mirror, on your dashboard, anywhere to remind you that every choice you make gives you authority. Let it be governed by God.

I am overwhelmed by the Lord. I can't wrap my finite mind around the fact that the God of the universe who desires my service to Him would in turn choose to serve and bless someone as unworthy as myself.
On my continual journey of healing, growing and learning here at Joshua, the Lord has revealed himself to me stronger than ever. The past two weeks have been filled with the most freedom I have ever felt in my walk with the Lord. I am reminded of Psalm 119:45, "I will walk about in freedom, for I have sought out your precepts."
There is abundant freedom in response to the gospel and compliance to the precepts the Lord desires of us. This freedom requires submission and obedience from the darkest crevices of the heart. I have had to learn this the hard way (often times that's the only way for God to get through to me, hah) but when true obedience to what the Lord requires of us is sought, He instantly consumes every crevice of darkness an illuminates the heart with His glorious light.
Living life earnestly seeking full dependency on God is a rollercoaster ride! It is humbling and forces me to trust that what the Lord has for me is so much greater than anything I could imagine.
To sum it up, God has clearly revealed where it is that He wants me after Joshua. He has bestowed much compassion and undeserved blessing upon me through all of this. I am thrilled for what lies ahead.
Please be praying for me. Pray that the Lord continues to humble me however he has to do so. Also, be praying that I live for today. It's easy for me to get caught up in what the Lord wants to do next and forget what He is doing now.
Thanks for taking the time to read and be a blessing in my life. Feel free to get in contact with me. I would love to talk with anyone who takes the time to read my jumbled words.

2 Chronicles 16:9
"For the eyes of the Lord move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His."

Lord, allow my heart and those around me to be completely yours.