stagnant

Forewarning....this post will be random and scattered. Don't mind me.

I haven't blogged in a long time. My actual journal has probably collected some dust by now, which makes me sad. That is unusual. I'm not sure why I took a break from all that. I guess part of me needed to. Sometimes I need to detach from things. I have learned for myself, it is a healthy thing for me but I tend to detach for an extensive amount of time and by the time I realize it, I'm drowning and in need of some regularity. I guess I'd say that's where I'm at now--drowning.

Drowning because....because I've chosen to. Because sometimes it's easier than looking in the mirror. I struggle with knowing what I want, or better yet, being confident in what I want. The further I separate myself from my truths, the more entangled I become with things apart from those truths. I find myself caught up in thinking lately. Questioning things I wouldn't normally question. I question what I already know to be true. Sometimes the questions that float around in my head are beneficial and sometimes they are not.

Maybe I'm feeling odd because I am at odds. I feel at odds with myself in a lot of ways. I keep my head in the clouds too much, I keep my thoughts in the past way too much. I have difficulty moving forward. One of my favorite things to do in the winter is to get out of bed, go make a cup of tea and then go back to my bed and lay in the exact same spot I woke up in and find it warm still. That's exactly how my brain works when I think about my past. (bridging this thought may seem scattered) I like today, I like now but if only I could go back to the warm past, if only for a few minutes, because I know I couldn't stay long, even if I wanted to, I'd do it. Moving forward is easy to understand. Moving forward is the hardest thing to do sometimes.

I guess I haven't found the ability to look back, savour and enjoy what I've had in my life. I look back and take it in as a loss--something I'll never have back. I like the idea of moving into a mindset of enjoying memories but allowing the preset to be just as enjoyable.

I can easily entertain the thought of all the positive things I want for myself, that I need for myself. Unfortunately, it is human nature that keeps me from easily changing my ways...

i dont have a good title

I am coming to realize that I am a people pleaser. I would have never admitted or considered that before because of my understanding of a "people pleaser" , but I think there are different kinds of people pleasers. I don't want to ever let people down. I want to give 110% of myself to others even if that means putting all of myself on "hold". I want to always do the right thing in relationships with others, never see mistakes that could point back to me. I have difficulty making decisions without overly obsessing about how they can affect others. I want to wait for the rainbow at the end of a storm with someone. 

I know this it is who God created me to be, someone who cares, someone with a heart, but I am seeing that it is dangerous and ultimately damaging if I do not understand the balance in taking care of myself and stewarding my gifts.

My walk with God the last two years has been faithful and adventurous, to say the least. I am blessed beyond words for the places He has held my hand through. Walking in obedience to things that I didn't necessarily want for myself has been such a reward.

I am at a crossroad right now. I don't know what the roads even look like. It feels like I'm standing in the middle of dense fog and no clear direction about anything in my life. I don't know where I want to live, let alone do with my life. I've been praying and waiting for God to tell me for months and months. I tell Him, "I'll go anywhere, I'll do anything!" And when I don't hear a reply I think, "What have I done wrong? What do I need to do to get an answer?" After months of silence, I hear Him saying, "Lindsay, what is it that YOU want?"

I didn't realize till just a week or so ago how blessed it is to live life and have God specifically say, "THIS is where I want you to move. THIS is what I want you to do. THIS is where I want you to live. THIS is how I want you to make a living. THIS is the church I want you to go to." I guess that's not normal---hah. It's all I've known the past 2-3 years. 

God has been holding my hand, ultimately, I think to let go and say, "You know how to walk, you've followed me, I trust you that the desires of your heart will align with mine in your freedom to choose." Actually, that's EXACTLY what I hear Him telling me.

So what do I choose? I still am not sure. I have made a decision and I don't feel 100% secure in what that means for the next couple of years. I hate not knowing, but God knows. I'm scared to displease God, or not do EXACTLY what He wants me to do. I'm scared that my choices could negatively affect people around me. I'm scared that this turning point could cause me to miss out on something great.

I need to trust God. I need to have assurance that He hasn't made anything crystal clear like in the past and it's not cause I've been disobedient or a bad friend. He loves me. He desires I walk in freedom. I need to believe He has it all under control. He won't let me fall. My Father loves me beyond my understanding.

I see the last few years of my life being a heavy refining process. Maybe I am walking into a new time of God taking all He's done in me and giving me the opportunity to adapt my own flair to this new person. What would it look like for me to FULLY be aware and use all of what God is doing and has done in me and also remain 100% unique, Lindsay? 

God really cares about what I want. He wants me to live a life that pleases Him but amidst that, one that also brings me happiness and joy. Time will tell.

learning, learning, learning

"Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be servant of Christ." 
Galatians 1:10 

I'm seeing the value of obedience come full circle and man does it feel good. Obedience is never dependent upon circumstances. Obedience doesn't cater to the flesh. Obedience never seeks the approval of man. Obedience is entirely dependent upon the approval of God.
I have walked a crazy 6 months with God. I have grown in unimaginable ways and been broken only to be rebuilt the way God desired I be rebuilt. To say the least, it has been an incredibly tough yet rewarding season in my life.
I am beginning to see many things come full circle. Much of my journey I walked blindly, unaware of why God was asking certain things from me that did not make sense, that made me feel more vulnerable than ever before. Not that I have all the answers to my questions, but I see that much of it was laid before me in order that God could show me who I am.
The hardest part of obedience is having to continue walking around this earth knowing that people think I'm crazy. 6 months ago, I could not have walked with my head held high, even if I was sure God was pleased with me. Now, God has given me confidence to walk boldly according to his precepts. I'm experiencing the great value in seeking the approval of God over man. 
Satan is the stealer, killer and destroyer of things from God. He is a master at his craft and seeks to taint the word of God. I am so learning what it looks like to stand against that. Even when things seem "right" in the eyes of the church or a body of believers, God should always remain the final judge of all our philosophy. The powers that work against the will of God are real and alive. There is such value in determining the fine lines and praying against any spirit that is or may come against a godly perspective.
God is so faithful and always takes over to defend his children. When you obey the Spirit of God he restores your honor, he shields you from attack, he showers you with love, he affirms your steps, he leads you on a path of righteousness to something far greater than ever imaginable. Obedience is THE most important thing. 

God will ALWAYS restore what Satan steals.

Rest

Luke 8:22-25

Jesus Calms the Storm

 One day Jesus said to his disciples, “Let us go over to the other side of the lake.” So they got into a boat and set out. As they sailed, he fell asleep. A squall came down on the lake, so that the boat was being swamped, and they were in great danger.

 The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Master, Master, we’re going to drown!”
   He got up and rebuked the wind and the raging waters; the storm subsided, and all was calm. “Where is your faith?” he asked his disciples.
   In fear and amazement they asked one another, “Who is this? He commands even the winds and the water, and they obey him.”

I have noticed I sometimes live in a way where I treat Jesus as some sort of "Christian genie". I'm leading a live that revolves around me and my plans. I grab Jesus periodically and I pull him into my life so he can arrange it the way I think it needs to be arranged. 

Jesus is in the boat with his disciples. He is asleep when a "great storm" arises. Storm gets calmed it almost ends great till Jesus questions their faith. Why?

Because he became their "genie".

To me this passage says, leave the chaos. Go rest quietly with Jesus. (He's sleeping, that's how bothered he was by the storm, he was not unaware of it) Therefore making him center. I'm leaving what I have perceived life and who God should be. I am going to match my heart rate with his and literally nestle up with him, rather than grab Him, pull Him into my mess and say "fix all of this so my heart rate goes down."

What causes us to rest? Is it circumstances in life or is it Jesus Christ?

I know it's Jesus but how do I allow this intimacy?

It requires a recognition that my rest, my fulfillment, my peace in life is not contingent to my circumstances. Rest, fulfillment and peace is found in resting in the "hull of the boat" with Jesus, especially in the middle of a storm.

Even in that image of laying next to Jesus resting, how easy is it to "nudge" him in my anxiousness and wonder when we're done "resting". He's just saying, "rest". As soon as I attain this posture I am in the center with Jesus, no longer on the outside calling him out to my storm and chaos. When I'm resting I can hear his heartbeat.

Rest is only found in the hull of the boat.

Everything is contingent upon the the time I rest, listen and take instruction.

Passivity before him.

Rest. Rest. Rest in God's love. The only work you are required now to do is to give your most intense attention to His still, small voice.

 Madame Jeanne Guyon

I have no cool title

I love to write. Sometimes I find it to be a chore because my hand has a hard time keeping up with my mind. The best thing about writing is looking back and rereading. It really is a beautiful thing. I've recognized how I've grown and evolved through rereading old journals and writings. There isn't anything that would keep me from not continuing.

I began something profound tonight. I was hesitant in blogging about this and I'm not sure why but from the minimal traffic on here, I pray that one person could be inspired to do the same.

I regularly write in two journals. One is my "everyday" journal and the other is a journal about the future....I journal my goals and dreams along with where I feel God may be leading me. So the second is more "big picture" thoughts.

I bought a new journal tonight. The journal I bought tonight was for something very new and exciting. It's for my husband. I began writing to him tonight. I have no clue who he is, by the way. My best friend has been bugging me about it for awhile now, saying, "Lindsay start writing letters to your husband...SERIOUSLY." So after hearing those words yet again, I decided to do it.

It was so different writing to someone I don't know but writing to him in such closeness. I can't explain it but I loved it! You should try.

I sort want to venture off the journal thing for a sec and unfortunately I have no good transitional statement but I just wanted to say this:

I have talked to Christians who think it's weird to ask God who your spouse is because God could NEVER be so specific as to tell you exactly who he/she is when they walk into your life....right?
Instead we scope out some prospects, date around, get hurt, revaluate, try again.

That truly is one of the saddest thing to ever hear from a Christian. I'd venture to say most Christians would vocalize their belief that God is able to or has "opened" or "closed" doors in their life, confirmed a new career venture, guided them in relocating to a new home, answered a prayer, or maybe even done something miraculous in their life, but why is it so difficult to believe God could tell you who your spouse is? I mean, we're dealing with the God of the UNIVERSE...better yet, he's dealing with US yet we keep him squished and squared away inside a cozy box.

Anyways, enough of that. I just wanted to share this. I think everyone should ask God who their spouse is. I think everyone should pray relentlessly for their spouse.

Also, start writing to your spouse. Think about how awesome it would be to get a journal full of entries from your future spouse before they even knew you...that's pretty rad.

Worth the Wait

I have traded riches for rags. I have placed “good”, and “noble” desires and wishes before by creator and have now come to ground zero. I have been left with only one choice.

I hate waiting. I don’t know who likes waiting. God is teaching me what it looks like and quite honestly, more than half the time I don’t enjoy it. I’m not sure what keeps me going except God, really.

In waiting, I am going through this process of growth and pain that is so outside my control. It’s like God just grabbed a hold of me, leaving me no choice but to be uprooted and await the harvest. The only choice I have in the matter is how many extra days I’d like to add to the journey in my unwillingness to cooperate. It's been 5 months too many...I wonder when my spring will come.

I have felt joy amidst the struggle. I have felt real emotion and cried real tears through the slow and painful destruction of my ideology.

To be honest, it’s not fun but necessary.

God has exposed much of what I cling to as being worthless and it’s uncomfortable to realize that my grip to the things of the world were fastened more strongly than to the God of the universe.  

For every rough edge that is being chipped away, every uncertain thought, for every tear, every heartache, there is purpose. The rationale for it all is to bring change for the better, something more enduring.

I like to let my mind vomit into mixed up sentences. Rereading my words has encouraged me to continue to wait with much anticipation of a fruitful harvest.

Compelling Love

I am realizing how undeserving I am of the love of God. It's one of those concepts that I will NEVER grasp and even talking about it sets me up for an unending quest for complete understanding. 

God gave His son, perfect, blameless, most holy, for ME. I want to know this love more. I want to drown in it, completely.
 
God wants me to feel, taste, smell and touch his love. I have been asking myself the last few days how I can have more of this and the only answer I see fit is to love others.

What a simple concept....love others. 

Last year I heard the story of the "Good Samaritan" so different than ever before. After I heard the teaching I began reading commentaries on it & researching things online till I came to understand in the way I believe it was intended to be understood...

When Jesus told the parable of the good Samaritan he was answering my question. (Luke 10:25-37)

Sunday school did a fabulous job of watering down a tough picture Jesus painted. A story meant to make our core tremble, I believe.

A man asked Jesus how to inherit eternal life. Jesus responded by asking what the law said. The law said, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind; and, Love your neighbor as yourself."

The man preceded to ask, "Who is my neighbor?"

 Jesus tells a story of a man who is almost dead (key words) who is on the road to Jerusalem from Jericho. 

Research what this road looked like. The road was maybe 16-18" wide and dropped off a 300 ft. cliff. Jesus says 3 different men walked by.

Man #1: A priest
Jesus said the priest walked on the other side of the road. There was no "other side of the road"! He's trying to make the point that this priest did EVERYTHING he could not to touch this man.

Why?? Because the Torah told him to! 
Leviticus says a person could not touch a dead body or a nearly dead body no matter who they were. How funny that as Christians, we blast this guy...but he knew the text! Jesus' words are intentional when he says the man was "nearly dead".

This man obeyed God although he made the commandment of not touching a dead body greater than loving your neighbor. 

Man #2: A Levite
Next came a Levite who did the same thing. A Levite read the same book as the priest, the Torah and he obeyed God too. 

------------

The next person the people probably expected Jesus to say was a Pharisee...the Pharisees were people who said, "all people except Samaritans are in God's image." 

The Pharisee knew that loving your neighbor was the ultimate command. The audience was probably expecting Jesus to bring his point home by saying, "the Pharisee is your neighbor, so love him too."

Jesus totally throws them for a loop because the 3rd person is not a Pharisee, he is a Samaritan. Jews HATED Samaritans.

A Samaritan read the same Torah a Jew read. The Torah told him not to touch the dead body too. 

The Samaritan is on his knees, touching this dying man's bloody wounds, putting him on his donkey...what this Samaritan did was so filthy & so wrong according to the Torah but he knew that loving his neighbor was a greater command.

What is Jesus' main point? I've been taught to assume the neighbor is the beaten up guy, the easy one to love. 

The parable is not about doing good things for people, it's about loving the person you hate the most. The Samaritan is my neighbor. 

If I can't go to the person I despise most and learn to love them then I can't even be a disciple of Jesus because he ends the parable by saying, "unless your righteousness is even greater than the Pharisee's you can't even enter my kingdom". Yes, the Pharisee who would have helped the dying man!

If I am going to be a disciple of Jesus I ought to respond in obedience to his commands. Not because it saves me but because I am saved. 

This is how God is telling me to feel, taste, smell and touch his love. 

All because the text says, "love your neighbor."